… so there i was… in this threesome with this chick who was about to be a nun and this wicked chick i had met earlier in that bar where we used to watch astros playoff games… that there should give you a frame of reference to how long ago this was… anyway… i met the bar chick when i went to the restroom and bumped into her in that little hallway and she was wearing a bonjovi shirt. and i instantly said what a shitty band! and she was all like, what? theyre fucking awesome! have you ever done coke and listened to bonjovi? those motherfuckas fuckin RAWK! youll see fuckin stars and shit! and i was all like no fucking way… theyre the reason music sucks it anymore! and blah blah blah… you know how i do! hahaha
just then! a magical unicorn BURST through the door of the girls restroom. and this white golden horse had a crystal eyepatch and soft as wool purple mane… and on his broad shoulders sat this chick in a nuns habit. and she spoketh… oh dustin. purveyor and keeper of all that is awesomeness! gaze now into this crystal ball and see-eth that you are indeed rightso! the jovi of bon in all his bad hair and 30something whoopi goldberg charm is infact the manyfaced guise of satan! you have seen the world for how it truly is, and for that i award you a punch of my virginal nectars, if you know what i mean… THIS FUCKING BITCH SAID IT! YOU CAN AXE ANYBODY THERE!
so the satan tshirt wearing harlot and this gorgeous nun all jumped on the back of this fucking pirate unicorn and we galloped through the denizens out into the parking lot… well what would you fucking know? a fucking giant space meteor started streaking across the sky… RIGHT AT US! and all of one sudden… save the drama fo yo obama was there and so eloquently said… YO! CRACKA MOTHAFUCKA on the white golden pirate unicorn between the satan bad 80’s rock harlot and gorgeous virginal yet ready nun… YO! you gots to get that mothafuckin astroroid G! them shits is gonna ruin my unannounced bid for the presidency! and i sayeth…
oba-lama… i will saveth us all from the end of days ONLY IF you pull some mothafuckin strings and get that shit pitcher bradley lidge out of my fucking superstadium! he stinks up the joint! and is creating a negative spin on my mojo. also. i will reQuire the smashing pumpkins to rejoin, but only the two good ones, to show the world just what REAL music sounds like. and oba-lama… said WORD!
so this mothafuckin circus tank rolls the fuck up… i refurl my giant cock that seconds previous harlot nun unicorn AND oba-lama had been enjoying and i climb into the MUTHAFUCKIN barrel of this circus cannon…
LAUNCH ME SOLDIER! i told the good man… who just so happened to be keefas soverchyk (never could spell keefas name) and he said “thats what she said” and he pushed this big red button in the tank that said use only for saving the world… so instantly im FUCKING FLYIN son! past galaxies and ptyeradactyls and wonderwomans invisiplane… and i land on this fuckin meteorite. so at first i jump up and down on it! trying to change its trajectory! to no avail. because at that time all the wings and brew we were pummelling through hadnt reached my supermetabolism… so i was thinner is what im fucking saying… anyway… i see this fucking cave in the distance on this rock that HURDLING towards planet who-ston… so i run into the cave, and its the asteroids dark master… fucking pulling levers and pushing buttons! and i yelled at my loudest! “hey! goddammit” in my traditional call… and the chair spins around… and lo and fucking behold… who was it? fucking osamabinladen… yeah! i know right! so i said… listen here turkey! (cause at the time i was into ‘good times’ reruns) listen here turkey! i says to him… and he said something in swahili… and i was fucking taken aback… and i was like yo… WTF? and he said in this rather eloquent verbage… i attacked the us because of what brad lidge is doing in planet who-ston. THAT and bonjovi isnt very good! and i said preaching to the choir son! and he said, what? you feel the same way? and i was like mothafucka… ive molded my entire existence to these two truths… and he was like, i think weve misunderestimated each ov-ah… kinda british sounding… and i was like… wait a minute! i know that accent… so i bum rushed him pulled on his turban and his skin came off and it was that dude from fuckin coldplay! and i was like no way! and then chrismartin said, in two seconds, planet who-ston will be a memory, and so will your only chance at a 3some! and i yelled NAAAAAAAH! and in like slow motion… but it wasnt slow, it was in real time, but it felt slow… i uppercut him and then put him in a UFC superhold… and choked him out… and right then we were passing over the RIO GRANDE and i tossed him into the river and a thousand alligators ate him up. and then i wrestled the controls and zoomed the superasteroid into andys in the heights… and thats why my fucking tacos were burnt that time, because andy holds a grudge on me for putting that moonrock behind his bistro…
so tickertape parade. 3some went down LAMF.. oba-lama kept his promise and got rid of lidge… and it was all as the lord intendo… and god said on that day, bloggeth this… and little chrissy will one day pry into the sensitive details of your life, but this bloggery will satiate his obsession with you… and you can then say “why would you say that to me chris” and the all the angels in all of heaven will rejoice and join you in laughter…
she was right. ;)
